The Importance of Listening to, Experiencing & Regulating Our Emotions
The Vital Role of Emotions: Navigating Life with Purpose and Wellbeing
Emotions are paramount in our lives, they not only permeate our experiences with depth and colour, but without them we would be stripped of our motivation, energy and meaning.They provide us with information on how we are doing in our life, based on our needs, values and our wellbeing.
They navigate us towards things that are important and away from experiences that are harmful, in order for us to survive. They are our teachers and guides.
Experiencing Our Emotions
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) highlights that emotions can be grouped together based on their function. For example, when we are in ‘threat’ we experience the emotions of anger, anxiety, disgust or shame, for they are motivating us to seek safety and protection.
We all experience difficult emotions from time to time, especially during more challenging times in our lives. When we do, our immediate response can be to suppress or fight against them as they can feel uncomfortable anxiety provoking or painful. There is also a fear that they will not pass, which can also happen unconsciously. Such reactions are completely understandable, however a compelling body of research strongly suggests that these strategies are counterproductive.
Research highlights that:
- This way of managing them can lead to more pain and distress
- When we try to stem the flow of emotions because they are too uncomfortable, our minds and bodies continue to try to communicate the messages to us and may resort to alternative channels, like mental and physical illness or amplified reactivity.
- It has been found that mentally struggling against them ultimately causes them to increase in both intensity and duration.
Step-1
"I FEEL”… anger? anxiety? sadness? disgust? shame? guilt? pride? joy? contentment?
This is when you notice the emotion once it has been triggered, which needs to be done without shame. What does it feel like in your body and mind? To describe it and then naming it. Emotions often have a physiological pattern to them and so it would be beneficial to develop an awareness of them.
Recognising, the causes and consequences of our feelings and labelling an emotion properly, are key skills in understanding our experience and how we are feeling. It is important to gain a granular perspective and to pay attention to the nuances, such as understanding the difference between anger and disappointment, which may be felt and expressed in the same way. A helicopter view through a lens of curiosity helps us to get an objective perspective on it. Research shows that mentally naming an emotion in this way can reduce the intensity of an it by as much as 50%.
Step-2
"I NEED” … here you explore what the potential unmet need might be, in this moment.
Do I need to validate my feeling? Often people invalidate and minimise their emotions Eg “I shouldn’t be feeling anxious, other people are able to manage”. This is as destructive as someone saying “You shouldn’t be feeling like this, there is something wrong with you”. You need to access your compassionate, caring wisdom to your thought process internally in a way you would to a good friend, such as “It is understandable I am feeling anxious, I am trying to manage a lot”.
If the emotion is loneliness, consider why you are lonely. Possibly you would say to yourself: “I need to spend more quality time and connect with people who I care about in my life”.
A further example is if you are feeling ‘guilt’. You may reflect and realise that it’s because you had an argument with someone and you regret saying something. So, you might say to yourself, “I need to reach out and say sorry.”
Step-3
“I will”... is an action step you can take to address your needs. So, following on from the above:
- With feeling ‘anxious’, due to overwhelm, it would be “I will immediately do some breathing techniques and mindfulness to access the soothing system and calm myself down”. Followed by “I will make a plan to manage my time better”, or “What help do I need, so that I find everything more manageable?”
- With feeling ‘lonely’ and needing more connection, in this step you might say to yourself, “I am going to make some plans with my friends.”
- With feeling ‘regret’ and the need to make up, you might say to yourself, “I am going to speak to this person tomorrow and apologise and focus on improving my communication.”
