The need to belong and to be in connection
Belonging’ and needing to form attachments is a basic human need and motivation universal to us all. It is a deep, unconscious and primal longing, for we all need to give and receive attention, to love and feel loved. If this need is not satisfied, we are vulnerable to painful and distressing feelings of loneliness, social anxiety and depression.Why is this? From an evolutionary perspective, it ensures as a species, our development and survival. We have an inherent need to be a part of something outside of ourselves and to develop and experience stable, positive and interpersonal relationships where we feel valued, accepted and appreciated within that group. This could be a family, friends, work colleagues, a community or a team.
The parent-child relationship is our first social relationship, which is key to our neurological, social, emotional and cognitive development. In addition, this is where we trust that our most basic needs of food, affection and stimulation will be met. Bowlby theorised the implication of the bond between the infant and parent/caregiver, claiming that it dictates the pattern and quality of our relationships with ourselves and others, throughout our life. Bowlby claimed that over time these interactions create internal working models of ourselves and others that dictate how we behave and view our relationships. If we experience strong and consistent support from our caregivers who model to us that the world is safe to explore, we develop a ‘secure’ sense of self. We learn to trust not only that person but the world around us which instigates an innate sense of belonging by our ability to enjoy secure attachments. Furthermore, that we are worthy of love and attention and that ‘we are enough’.
In opposition, a deficit of a ‘relationship’ impacts our development and as indicated by research, causes dysfunction and the development of an ‘insecure’ attachment (Bowlby, Winnicott). For individuals who struggle with the concept of belongingness, it is often the consequence of not having experienced consistent positive reactions from their primary care giver and a ‘secure base’. Therefore, they grow up feeling that the world is unsafe, seeing themselves as worthless and unworthy of love and being unable to trust others. This then creates difficulties in relationships, where as a defence mechanism it feels safer to alienate people and to push people away. This then ultimately leads to mental health difficulties such as anxiety and depression: for experiencing a sense of belonging then becomes more inaccessible.
The fact is that belongingness is a need that we must establish. If we are not fortunate enough to have experienced a supportive and close family, there is a greater need to search for and re-establish a feeling of belonging elsewhere. This can be challenging and can culminate in the need for belonging being replaced with a need for survival. To avoid the painful feeling of being an outsider, in a world where others appear to belong, we may compromise our core beliefs and values and lose a sense of ourself to belong. An example of this is a teenager doing things out of character to fit into a peer group. A further example is remaining loyal to abusers, so that we are not alone. The need for belonging is present throughout our lifespan.
What we need to remind ourselves is that situations occur in life which is beyond our control, such as relationship breakdowns, deaths, addiction, tragedy, unexpected traumas and stresses. They would have an enormous impact on the caregivers’ capacity to care for their children, which can detrimentally impact the attachment formation for our children. However, what is wonderful is our attachment styles and neurological pathways are not fixed, and can alter in response to immersing ourselves in the correct environment, one that is validating, attuned and attentive. Through the process of a secondary attachment relationship, we can re-work our internal working models to enable us to have a more connected way of living. The same can be said through the process of having therapy.
Research on adult attachment highlights that interpersonal functioning has an impact on the formation of the relationship between the therapist and client, I am therefore aware of my clients’ indicative attachment, in conjunction with my own. I view that my role as a therapist, reflects that of an attuned and responsive parent who provides their child with a secure base from which they can explore the world: as the conditions under which an infant develops a secure attachment are not unlike those conditions for effective therapy. Bowlby highlighted this significance, that the therapist would be seen as an attachment figure whether the client is aware of it or not.
Building a strong therapeutic alliance is one of the significant components of therapy, with trust being an essential element. I aim to offer a therapeutic relationship that highlights to my clients what life is like when there is someone there for them, not just in our sessions, but in the outside world that they can rely on and feel safe with. Someone that respects their boundaries and who is consistently nurturing, empathic and trustworthy. From this base, they can then explore the way that they regulate themselves in relation to others and can then attempt to reshape old emotional patterns in conjunction with forming new ones. Guntrip (1975) has well described the therapist’s job: ‘It is, as I see it, the provision of a reliable and understanding human relationship of a kind that makes contact with the deeply repressed traumatised child in a way that enables (the patient) to become steadily more able to live, in the security of a new real relationship, with the traumatic legacy of the earliest formative years, as it seeps through, or erupts into consciousness.’ (Bowlby, 2005, p182)
It is crucial to also address within the therapeutic space the misconception that we can build a psychological place of safety for ourselves outside ourselves, without firstly establishing a deep sense of being our own anchor and ‘belonging’ within ourselves. By having an awareness that we can perpetuate the feeling of not belonging by projecting a sense of belonging onto others, we understand that this only leads to a greater sense of destabilisation and internal fear of abandonment. It takes strength and courage to be ourselves, to own our vulnerabilities and feelings of isolation. Our goal is to become visible in the world, to not abandon ourselves in order to belong, but to turn our attention inwards firstly, and to feel firmly rooted and safe within ourselves. This involves forming our own internal attachment, based on our innate grounded wisdom and caring capacity. This is where we will find a place of belonging that no one can take away from us. Thus, it is only through authentically being true to who we are and connecting with ourselves, that we can then make deep connections with others: thereby experiencing the true feelings of belonging and connection.